journal: 13th January 2004 - Reality Bites

i've always wondered what happens after a movie. does meg ryan and tom hanks live 'happily ever after' after the whole empire state building escapade? has the media disillusioned us into thinking that it's possible? that we can fall madly in love and live a fairy tale ending. when people go through tough times the common response would be 'don't worry...things will pick up'. when it's got something to do with relationships and love then there would be the "time will heal' or 'you'll find someone else...there are many fishes in the sea...trees in the jungle...ants in the colony' type responses. is there really light at the end of the tunnel or are we just programmed to believe that there is hope?

hope is what keeps us alive. hope that we'll earn that million dollars by the time we're 30. that we'll own that mansion in the hills and drive that car we've always dreamed of. that we'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after. we search for things to fulfill our needs...our wants...both emotional and physical in hopes that we'll eventually be happy. but when is it ever enough? we humans are greedy by nature. if we do eventually earn a million dollars by the time we're 30 we're probably going to say that it's not enough. we always want more than we need. and when we get it...someone else always has more. that got me to thinking....is the grass always greener on the other side?

another one of those days

the actorlympics was hilarious. not as good as the first few that i attended but definitely better than some of the more recent ones. the show runs till 1st january so go catch it if there's anymore tickets available.

spent the rest of the night...or should i say morning...playing gin with my brothers. i think we racked up 8 hours of playing time. brought back a whole lot of memories. i used to play with my family when i was younger. back then we had no idea what we were doing so there was no strategy involved. nowadays we're more aware cause there's usually a bit of cash involved.

someone recently asked me whether i think of myself as someone who dares to try. well...i believe i am. i'm pretty open to anything. thing is...i realized i haven't done much over the past few years. i don't allow myself the opportunity to be spontaneous and adventurous. i'd rather sit at home and watch 8 hours of tv as opposed to venturing into the unknown. i don't put myself in a situation where i have the opportunity to try something new....to take risks...to dare. i guess i'm stuck in my own complacency. that's not healthy.

so my new year's resolution is to just.....try :)

making like a sloth

gilmore girls...sudoku and chor tai ti has turned me into a ghost. i stay at home most of the afternoon catching up on season 5....which by the way...i'm already halfway through. that's like 14 hours of viewing pleasure in the past...1,2,3, days. plus...i'm 30 packs of cigarettes up so that basically satisfies my quota for the month. not to mention it'll probably shorten my life span (based on a research that hasn't been confirmed) by about 20 hours or so. so all in all...my daily activities haven't exactly been very healthy. it hasn't exactly helped my social life either. i've been pretty antisocial. sudoku is pretty addictive...but the upside about it that it might just be the thing that steers me away from alzheimers when i'm 50 and dying. if i live that long that is.

the new year is approaching...pretty slowly i might add. for some reason..this year ain't passing by as quickly as i'd like it to. it's probably due to the fact that i'm not around most of the time. wishing that i was doesn't help. oh well...4 more months...maybe 6...maybe 7. gosh...i still have yet to make up my mind. it's like that scene in 'my stepmother is an alien' where dan akroyd (did i spell that right?) sang to kim basinger about staying or leaving. and she just stood there all confused. i don't know whether to stay or go...go or stay. the time will come where i have to sit down and really ponder over it...right now i just wanna stick to gilmore girls...sudoku...chor tai ti...and being mildly sloth like.

dude...where's my bro?

spent most of yesterday hanging around with my friends doing absolutely nothing. ended up playing chor tai ti with my brother and my dad till 7.30am. we started at about 11pm. 8 and a half hours later i was up 20 packs of cigarettes. for some strange reason...my brother and my dad isn't into the idea of playing for cash. they rather play for packs of cigarettes...how encouraging :)

went to putrajaya to make an appointment for my brother and my dad to get their MyKad done. the crowd was just amazing. the line went all the way round the 2nd floor...it was a sea of people. anyway...i managed to find out that my dad qualifies as a senior citizen and the person who accompanies him is also allowed to go to the 'fast lane'. for some strange reason...the registry department at Kota Kemuning claims that only those above 60 years of age are qualified to be senior citizens. the notice on the notice board at putrajaya clearly states that those above 57 are qualified. what's with the inconsistency?

haven't slept in 24 hours. right now i'm waiting for my brother to get home. he's been gone since yesterday and i can't reach his handphone. i worry about them sometimes. i know he's a big boy and all but i can't help it. most of the time i feel like the eldest child when in fact i'm the youngest. i'm pretty sure he's fine but for some reason i can't sleep without knowing for sure. so in the meantime...i'll just wait. if anyone knows his whereabouts i'm pretty sure you know how to reach me :)

journal: 14th December 2003 - "The Face"

i really wanna get a laptop. i'm hoping my mom would contribute some money into the 'buy me a laptop' fund but i'm seriously not keeping my hopes up. the last time i asked her for one she gave me the 'grunt'. then again..she does that 'grunt' everytime i ask for something...and sometimes i'd eventually get it. so maybe i'll give it a shot...who knows...i might get lucky.

i'm such a spoilt brat. i know i am...but i know that i'm self sufficient and independent too :) it's nice to be a mix of both. i support myself financially and emotionally and if things get bumpy i know my mom will always be there for monetary support and my friends will be there to keep my mental health in tact.

the other day i was talking to a friend and he asked me whether i was seeing anyone and when i said no...he gave me the 'face'. i find it insulting and offensive. i don't like to be given the 'pity' face. i am single...and i'm not shy to admit that. i am also single by choice....but at the same time i am also aware that i might not exactly be the greatest person or the prettiest of people so my choices are limited...that's if i even have choices. and it doesn't bug me. what's the worst that could happen?

i just don't understand why some people find it so important to be attached. is it loneliness? is it the need for companionship? is it a craving for attention? or is it just because everyone else is in a relationship? don't get me wrong...peer pressure is definitely one reason why a lot of people get into the wrong relationships...but like i said...'wrong' relationships. i don't need to be in a relationship to have affirmation that i'm worthy. i don't need to be with somebody to fill up the emptiness in my life. there are so many other things out there that can fill up the gap such as friends...work...hobbies...family...etc.

then it suddenly hit me...it wasn't the 'pity' face that i was upset at. it's the 'what's wrong with you' face that followed that really got to me. people generally assume that there must be a reason why a person is single. something must be wrong with them physically or mentally. he/she might have 6 toes or an obsessive compulsive behaviour. single people are freaks...
that's why they're single. that's the only explanation isn't it?

i guess everyone has a little freakiness in them and that is what makes a relationship interesting. i can't be bothered to be in a monotonous relationship where everything is the same day in and day out. i need adventure..i need spontanaeity...i need passion and romance..i need to not know what's going to happen next. maybe that's the freak in me.

but the question is...even with all that romance and passion and adventure...would it be enough?

i've finally acquired season 5 of gilmore girls. i'm such a gilmore girl fan. something about the sharp wit and the one-liners just intrigue me. anyway...hopefully...i'll get to watch them all before i go back to singapore.

christmas dinner was a success. well...seemed like everyone had fun and had enough to eat...so i'm assuming it was a success. went to velvet after dinner...it was packed...noisy...smoky...and everything else a night club should be. it's been awhile since i've been to a club...no i remember why. but i can't blame it totally on all that...i was a tad distracted by the lack of good looking men and the inconsistency of the music. in any case...it is a nice place to hang with friends and just watch them do silly things and drink themselves to drunkard-ness.

i arrived home at about 5am and still i attempted to watch 'march of the emperors/penguins'. better yet...the french version. i didn't make it past 30 minutes. reading the subtitles and watching a bunch of penguins go about their daily activity isn't meant for 5am. i'll definitely finish it sometime soon cause i vaguely remember the 30 minutes to be interesting.

for now...lunch is waiting for me at pizza uno :P

journal: 12 December 2004 - Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

went to watch infernal affairs 3 today. normally it's not something i would do on a thursday night for two reasons.
1. it's a chinese movie
2. i haven't watched part 1 and 2
i went to watch it anyway cause two people backed out last minute due to unexpected circumstances and i so happened to be free. so anyway...i didn't understand the movie.

i found out some important news about a friend today which shocked me and it's not because of the importance of the news but mainly because he didn't personally tell me about it. i had to find out from a mutual friend of ours that i hardly ever see. why was he hiding it from me? i talk to this friend once in awhile...bump into him occasionally. he had his window of opportunity but he still decided to keep it from me. his deviant behaviour led me to wonder the motives behind his actions...or should i say inactions.

everyday we experience new things. new challenges...new adventures...new beginnings...and sometimes even endings. certain things are regarded as trivial and others are regarded as turning points in our lives. we choose what we want to tell and to whom we want to divulge this information to. there are a few reasons as to why we keep certain things from certain people. trust definitely plays an important role in friendships and we would obviously prefer to confide in people that we trust about the more important and delicate things such as emotions and painful experiences. other things such as what i ate for lunch today and how my neighbours dog bit my shoe are trivial things that i don't mind telling anyone. people won't judge me based on what i ate or why my shoes look like cheese.

so does it all go back to judgement? we hide things from people for fear of being scorned and ridiculed? is that why gay people are so afraid to come out of the closet? is that why 20 year old boys are afraid to admit that they still play with their baby sisters barbie dolls? is that why we don't tell the people around us that we've had our hearts broken? we don't want to come off as weak...weird...insane. running off topic here.....

anyway...back to the point....

as i was trying to pinpoint the motives behind the secretive behaviour i wondered....was he afraid that it would affect me? i cannot deny that a certain amount of my happiness is derived from the happiness of my friends. if the people surrounding me are happy i would naturally be happy for them. but what happens if their happiness comes at your expense? initially i was disappointed to find out that he chose to keep it a secret from me. then it hit me...i suddenly felt insulted. does he think that i would be selfish enough to do something as disgusting as to mourn his happiness and his achievements? bottom line is...i'm not hurt. i'm not even affected by his decisions and his actions. i do feel offended by his inactions but after some careful thought i've decided not to hold it against him.

but if in the case that it was something that would hurt me and affect me...would i want to know? if i had to know i'd want to hear it from the person himself/herself. i don't like to engage in all this 'i heard from a friend who heard from another friend' activity. have you ever played that game where you whisper something into someone’s ear and that person whispers what you just said to another and the process is repeated until it reaches about 15 people? what started out as ‘the elephant is big and hairy’ would be translated into ‘the telephone is neat and handy’. after the news has reached more or less 3 or 4 people...it gets skewed and twisted. i prefer to get first hand information especially when it's about the people i care most for.

they say that ignorance is bliss...is it really? what you don't know won't hurt you....that i know for sure. but is it right to go out of your way not to know so that you can protect yourself from any unwanted after affects? more importantly...is it right for us to keep certain things from our friends because we fear that it might hurt them? if we're such good friends we should be able to be open and honest enough with each other. we should be able to tell each other things without judging...without fear....without holding back. we should be able to rejoice in each others happiness even if it hurts us. i know i know....easier said than done.

by keeping things secret we're just digging an even bigger hole for ourselves. we start to question the friendship. we start to question the motives behind it. we start to doubt ourselves and each other. we're bound to hear it one way or another so why not from the source itself? sometimes i think that people hide because they want to save themselves the trouble of having to explain themselves. they wait for the person to approach them and they give the excuse of 'i was waiting for the right time to tell you'. as if the initial blow was not enough they have to make us feel even more like a fool by playing the 'i was waiting for the right time' card.

yes...i know...we are women and women have a tendency to 'freak out' and run amok. but by stereotyping us as 'unstable' it isn't an excuse to hide things from us. i'd like to believe that a fair amount of us are able to be cool..calm and collected. most of all...i'd like to believe that i can be. but that still doesn't answer my question...is it better to know?

happy december!

first of all...merry christmas and happy new year :)

i managed to get back friday night...
i think desperation took over me and i was a changed person for a couple of hours...
normally...i'd like to make full use of my time...
friday was different...
i was pretty desperate to get back cause being in singapore during the festive season just doesn't feel right...
so i went to copthorne orchid (which by the way is where the Nice buses depart from)....
i told the very nice ladies behind the counter that i desperately needed to go back to kl...
unfortunately for me...the 3pm, 4pm and 5pm buses were full and nobody did any last minute cancellations or houdini's....
so there i was...3 and a half hours into my quest of getting back on friday...
i couldn't give up...i was already 3 and a half hours in...
so i stayed...determined...motivated...
my next chance would be the 6.30pm but it didn't look good...
all seats were taken...people started rolling in to check in...
but luckily for me...someone did a houdini...woohooo....
Jim...whoever you are...thank you for not showing up...

4 hours into christmas and it still hasn't hit me yet...
i was in bangsar...amidst all the chaos and havoc...
sometimes i wonder why i still go to that place even though i know it's going to be tough to find parking and full of people...
i hate crowds...i hate loud music...i hate sudden movements...
but heck...i was in the company of some of my closest friends so it was all good...

all i want for christmas....

- 2 tickets back to KL for Friday night (preferably after 9pm)
- people to accompany me to the actorlympics @ Actors Studio Bangsar
- better yet...people who can get me FREE tickets to the actorlympics
- good weather for christmas
- my best friend back

first of all...i'm just a lazy ass. didn't get my return ticket earlier. now everything is fully booked...i've tried everything except boats. do they even have boats/ferries/sampans going to KL from singapore? ok so maybe i didn't try the train cause i'm scared. the last time i took the train i had a bad experience. the train stopped in johor for an hour and a half cause the muslims needed to pray. not that i frown upon praying but an HOUR and A HALF? that's longer than a sermon in a catholic church. then again...i don't attend church so i might be wrong. i should be saying...that's longer than some full length feature films. so tomorrow i'm going to go exhaust all my options. worst case scenario...i'll have to come back saturday night instead of friday. which means i'll have to kill an entire day in singapore.

actorlympics is on again at Actors Studio Bangsar. i've been to most of their shows. so far it hasn't disappointed me yet. except for that one where they changed the line up last minute and i didn't get to see edwin sumun and rashid salleh in action. anyway...if you're into improvisational theatre and impromptu comedy... you should definitely try to catch it.

christmas is coming. not that i celebrate christmas because of its significance...it's just an excuse to throw a party and act all stupid. throw on some christmas gear and exchange presents. it's always nice to get all my friends together and just do absolutely nothing but lame. which explains why i'm hoping for good weather. nothing spoils a party like rain. and i do hope that everyone turns up as planned and that nothing goes wrong. *fingers crossed*

ooh...my car that was stolen about 3 months ago was retrieved recently. went to pick it up yesterday and i refuse to drive it anymore until it's undergone some massive cleaning. the interior needs to be dry cleaned...tyres need to be changed...interior needs to be dry cleaned. i mentioned that twice cause the car just smells bad. it's a mixture of dried sweat and weed. those people must've slept in the car and smoked up when they're not sleeping. who knows what else they were doing in there. anyone knows what dried semen smells like? car needs to be dry cleaned and disinfected and sanitized. hopefully that'll all be done before i return for christmas.

in the meantime...if anyone is driving back from singapore or johor on friday 23 dec 2005 after 9pm...do call me at +6581373859. i would really appreciate a lift. and yes... that is my REAL number...i'm desperate.

disappointed with GOD

the one thing that i never questioned...or at least tried not to question is friendship. i have to say that i 'had' a lot of friends. we slowly drifted apart till there's a handfull left. not because we had disagreements or arguments of any kind. there were probably differences in interests and opinions. different priorities...different goals and dreams. some chose to set out to try and achieve those goals...leaving everything else behind. others choose to stay in exactly the same place that they were 5 years ago. some manage to find a pleasant balance in the midst of growing up...gaining independence...and achieving goals.

i'd like to believe that i've managed to find a balance. able to keep my friends and family close and at the same time explore all the opportunities that are in front of me. i've earned my independence...i've earned the respect i deserve (which by the way ain't much)...i've excelled in what i do...and i've managed to keep up with my family and friends. i've always tried my best to be available when someone is in need. i've always tried to keep up with them...to learn about what's going on in their lives.

i realized a long time ago that friendship isn't based on proximity or the hours that are put in. it's based on trust...honesty...care. it's a bond that doesn't need to be reinforced with time. it's knowing that no matter where or when...you are still in their thoughts. they accept you for who you are attached with all your faults and defects. you can be open and honest without fear of being rude or insensitive. you can be silent without being secretive...you can shed all without being intrusive.

then it hit me. although i still believe that a close friend should be 'all that'...i've realized that i had to make room for adjustments. i've came across enough people to know that my views differ from theirs. to be honest...my views only exist in utopia. not only my views on friendship...but my views on love...relationships...life...etc. as well. i realized that many people had conflicting opinions and ideas on things. they're entitled to their own opinions as are we. but that doesn't mean they're right. neither does it mean that i'm right. i have to be open minded...i have to be understanding...i have to be empathetic...i have to be flexible. the biggest lesson my father ever taught me was empathy. to see through the eyes of others before judging...before making decisions...before placing blame.

i understand that many people are going through tough times. i'd like to believe that i'll always be there for them even though there might be 3 other states spanning across 320km between us. i don't expect them to come to me for advice. i don't expect them to share their sorrows with me. i just hope that they can sort it out for themselves and persevere. and if they need help and encouragement along the way...i'm always here. just don't assume that you are alone and that nobody has gone through what you're going through. situations might be similar...but as i said...emotions are all relative. there's no way of measuring the depths of sadness and the intensity of pain.

but my personal belief...no matter how hard it is...how painful it is...or how futile it seems...there's always a way. might not be a cure...but there will be a way to soften things. just have to find it....

confessions of a hsx addict

me: hi...my name is feefs
everyone: HI FEEFS!!!
me: and i'm a hsx addict. i've been hooked onto it for the past month. trading hsx shares as if they're real. at first it started as something to do in my free time...a way for me to keep track of the movie industry. but now...the only thing i can think of is where can i trade my shares.

yes yes...i know it sounds real geeky. it's not as extreme as you might think. i'm not exactly hooked up to the internet 24/7 trading shares. at the risk of sounding like a total nerd...i actually enjoy doing it. exploring the many options...doing research. finding out which movie does well and which movie flops. i guess it's not about making 'fake' money...it's about learning about the movies.


movies to watch:

- brokeback mountain
- munich
- memoirs of a geisha
- rent
- the producers
- jarhead
- history of violence
- good night and good luck

the list is neverending but those are some that are on the top

nominations for golden globes are out...
looks like none of the big budget mainstream movies have been nominated for best picture...
no 'war of the worlds' or 'king kong'....
i so hope johnny depp wins best actor for his role as willy wonka in charlie and the chocolate factory...
i haven't watched any of the movies nominated...
which is why i can't really chose a favourite to win in any of the categories besides best actor...
then again...charlie was the only movie i watched in best actor category so i can't actually say for sure that johnny deserves it...
but i do think he's a great actor and because of that i'm biased....

ok...enough movie talk...i get excited when i talk movies :P

right and responsible VS. selfish

it's almost the end of the year....
sometimes i wonder whether it's a good thing or a bad one...
i used to tell myself that i still had tonnes of time to decide whether to stay in singapore or to leave and return to kl for good...
now i have only a month to decide...

the right and responsible thing to do is to stay till the end of the school year which by the way is in august....
the selfish thing to do is to leave without seeing the kids through to their exams...hoping that the teacher who takes over is capable of leading them through...

still...kl has more points than singapore....
but the kids....it always goes back to the kids...
i guess i'll always have a soft spot for them....
in the end...i'll probably stay for a few extra months and return at the end of august...
hopefully sooner if the exams are scheduled for late july....

but i might change my mind....
i guess i'll only know my fate after chinese new year....

journal: 8th January 2004 - Theory of Relativity

I've always wondered whether anyone can truly tell me that they understand or can relate to what i feel right now. I could be happy...sad...in love...angry...jealous...but my definition of these emotions differ from others. It’s easy for one to say that he/she understands how someone feels but how many people can truly relate? Emotions are so subjective. It’s something personal and each individual has a different opinion and a different perspective on emotions.

I can describe my emotions with words. I am angry. I am sad. I am in love. I am truly happy. But in reality, they’re just words. No one would truly know the meaning of my words unless they were in my shoes. This led me to wonder about Einstein’s theory of relativity. Einstein once said “Put your hand on a hot stove for one minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it feels like a minute.” Basically he’s trying to say that the states of our emotions are solely dependent on the significance or existence of another.

I’m not going to try and dissect Einstein’s theory of relativity. Neither am I here to discuss its roots or its scientific importance. I’m just wondering, can anyone truly relate to how we feel? We all use the same words to describe our emotions. Some of us handle our adversities better than others. Does that mean they feel less? There is no way of measuring our emotions on a scale or weighing it using a metric unit.

It is said that the females’ threshold of physical pain is 9 times that of males. Emotional pain is slightly different. There is no scientific proof that states that the threshold of emotional pain differs according to gender. No two people are similar and therefore, nobody can logically say, “I know exactly how you feel” and actually mean it. If someone broke up with me and was able to move on like nothing ever happened the next day... it doesn’t mean that he didn’t care. I can try and rationalize that by saying that I felt more and gave more into the relationship than he did but that would only be unfair. I cannot say that he loved me more but on the other hand, I cannot say he loved me less. I can’t even say that we loved each other equally as much. Why? There is no way I can measure or compare his emotions with mine.

The common misconception lies in the fact that women would like to believe that men recover from relationships faster as compared to them. It’s easy to dispel them as being emotionally detached but the truth is we have no idea what goes on in their hearts and minds. Once again, men can describe their emotions with words just as we do. But the fact is, it’s just words. Nobody really knows what they mean except for the individual who uttered those words. Men could be capable of controlling their thoughts and emotions but it’s unfair for us to stereotype them as being less emotional compared to us.

So the question still remains. How do we measure the depth of emotions? The answer, we can’t. We can try to dissect it, we can question it but we will never know for sure. All we can do is give others the benefit of the doubt and just believe.

9 December 2003: i am defected

i was out having a drink with a friend sometime last week and he asked me for my 'number'. i don't mean my phone number or bank account number. he was asking for the number of guys that i've dated (it's funny how we don't 'date' anymore) or should i say have been involved with. this kind of information should only be given out to close friends or friends you know for a fact will not hold judgement. telling someone you just met your 'number' is not going to put him in your good books unless it's somewhere below 3.

anyway...we got to talking and i got to thinking. what's the average? we're in our early twenties...some of us reaching our mid twenties. what's not too much and not too little? i can safely say that i can count my serious intimate relationships with one hand. bear in mind that i stress on the serious part because we are in relationships all the time. it's a matter of whether it's an platonic one or a intimate one....a deeply emotional one or a shallow one. i have friends who've had only one serious relationship and i also have friends who've had up to 40 ex-girlfriends. i'm assuming that out of the 40...there were only (most to most) 10 serious ones.

what i'm wondering is....if you've had less than 2 ex's...does it make you a loser? if someone above the age of 20 tells me that he's got only 1 ex-girlfriend i'd probably think that there was something wrong with him.....there must be....if not why would he have only 1 ex-girlfriend. if someone above the age of 20 tells me that he's got between 3-6 girlfriends i'd probably just shrug it off and think it's normal. anything more than 7 and i'd think he's a village bicycle (we don't use that term for guys as often as we should). then it hit me....if a decent guy in his twenties has had so many relationships and it all didn't work out...could 'he' be the problem? maybe it's not so much about the 'us' but more of the 'him' that is the problem. similarly...it could be us that is the problem. maybe we're single not because we pick the wrong people....maybe we're single because we're the ones with the problem. it could be a physical problem...an emotional one...a commitment problem...it could be anything.

we prefer to place blame on others to make ourselves feel better. i know i do sometimes. what's important is pinpointing our faults and trying to rectify them. we learn lessons from every relationship that we've been in. these lessons are very important because we bring them into our next relationship. if the reason for all the past break ups is ourselves then we should try and figure out what our mistakes are so we don't repeat them in the future. if we insist that it's not our fault and continue remaining as is then there is a possibility that we might eventually get stuck with lines like 'it's not your fault...i just don't think this is working out anymore.' men only say that to save their asses anyway. and if we go on thinking that they actually mean it then we might be doomed.

lesson of the day....it's not good to have too little..and it's not good to have too much.

quirky lings

just came back from a wedding 'lunch'....
since lunch actually became such a big hit maybe wedding lunches would be a good idea too...
anyway...it was my cousins wedding...so lotsa family there...
tried to stay away from small talk...
hate going through the whole 'WAH....so big already ah'....and i'm not talking about anything other than height or width :P
trying to fit the past 10 years of my life in 5 sentences or so isn't my idea of good conversation...
talks about how we were teeny tiny tots when they all last saw us and how big we've grown is just tedious...
by the way...my family ain't exactly very family orientated...
we don't attend chinese new year reunions...we try to stay away from family dinners that include relatives who are twice removed or more...
so the last time we saw all those people was probably 10 years ago...
we're the quirky lings...so much so that i think we intimidated or maybe even freaked out the strangers sitting at our table with our weird antics and internal jokes...
but hey...we've been taught to speak our minds and not be afraid to be who we are....

so with every wedding....there's always talk of another wedding....
could it be mine or my brothers or some other cousin....?
well...the general consensus is that time is running out...
which i think is a load of crap....
we don't have expiry dates...people who think they do are just too afraid to be alone...
some say that we shouldn't wait till we're 30...others say that now is the time....
then there's talk about meeting the right person....
there's dating agencies....introductions by friends or relatives....blah blah....
sometimes i wonder why some force other than ourselves is supposed to bring us to our other half...
can't it be by my own will...or by my own actions?
can't i meet my future husband by myself?
why does someone have to bring us together?
and hey...even if i do meet him by myself....my relatives (seeing how they're mostly christian) would say that it's God's will....
not my own...but God's....
why are people in such a hurry to meet someone?
not necessarily a future husband or wife but someone they could possibly explore the option with....

i've got friends telling me to go to so and so place cause it's a good place for meeting men...
i've got friends who put so much effort into being polite and nice to people of the opposite sex just so they could win their hearts...
i've got friends who completely lose sense of themselves because they're too busy pretending to be someone else to please others...
is it supposed to be so tedious...is it supposed to be so fake?
gosh...is that why i'm still single?
am i missing something here?

hou fai ah

so i watched king kong earlier....
it's one heck of a long movie so if you're planning to watch a midnight movie...please bear in mind that it'll probably end at about 4am....
here are some tips before entering the cinema...
buy a lot of munchies cause you'll probably go hungry halfway...
plus visit the loo before you enter the theatre...
wear a sweater cause it can get really cold...
and please....don't be like the ah bengs next to my brother who were making statements like 'hou fai ah' (very fast ah) or the idiot who kept kicking my chair....

its back to singapore tomorrow for a couple of days...
somehow it feels as if i'm going back for a holiday and not to work...
i'll only be there for 2 nights...then its back to kl...
repeat process next week....
i'm wondering when i'll get sick of 5 hour bus rides...
how can i when there's always something waiting for me at the other end :)

i was speaking to a friend today and the topic of weddings came up...
probably cause i've got to attend a cousin's wedding this weekend and a couple of other friends are getting married next year...
so he asked the obvious question....when would it be my turn...
first of all...if there was a category for 'most likely to end up a spinster' in high school...i probably would've won it....
but that's not the point....i don't foresee myself getting married anytime soon not because i don't want to *ahem*....
but because i'm not even in a position to....or even consider it....
we single people don't have the privilege of having that option....

anyway....he told me that i should stop breaking hearts...which i must say surprised me...
never thought of myself as a heartbreaker...
never found myself in a position where i had the option of breaking someone's heart....
and if i did...it was probably accidental and unintentional....
it's still a cruel thing to do but heck...if i never knew you were interested...something must've been wrong in the first place...
or maybe my antenna isn't as powerful as it should be...
whatever the case...it's still cruel to break someone's heart...
i have to admit that i've done it a couple of times...but it's only because i was being honest and fair...i've never done it in spite or just for laughs...or even just to fill up time and space...

anyway....things have a way of hitting me smack in the face....
so if i did hurt anyone somewhere along the way...chances are it'll bounce back...
it might not be in the form of heart break...but it'll surface eventually...
could be a time bomb in my mail...or even as juvenile as a hate sms...
better yet.....i might lose my best friend....
either way....i'll suffer the consequences....and accept it with grace

faking it

recently i was discussing the topic of desperation with a friend. seems a bit too early for people our age to be desperate to be in a relationship. the only thing we should be desperate for at this age is a job with a good income. but that's besides the point...there are people out there in their twenties who are desperate to be with someone. why? aren't we at the prime of our youth? we should be going out there and having fun with what we have instead of pining away about the stuff we don't have.

sometimes i believe people just need the companionship...a certain someone to just be there. he could be standing there as lame as a tree and it wouldn't matter...as long as he's there. but if that is the case...what are friends for? in my opinion...one lousy relationship is worthless but one great friendship is priceless. so why not just go out there are make friends rather than to hunt down guys in hopes that you'll find one to fill up the gap? and some of them literally do hunt. they go to places where there's high chances of meeting single or in some cases...not so single but unfaithful guys. they always have to look and behave their best around new company. they try so hard to adapt...to fit in...to be accepted. i personally think it's too much of an effort and it gets tedious after awhile.

other people just need the affirmation. they need to validate their worth and apparently... being in a relationship is sufficient enough to prove to the world that they're worth something. i pity the people who suffer from low self esteem. if you're not confident with yourself...who will be? i'm not saying that everyone should go out there and boast confidence. i know my limits..i know what i can do and what i can't...i don't know what i can get and what i can't. being in a relationship does not give me the ISO stamp of approval or in our case...the SIRIM chop. i see many good people who are in dead end relationships...relationships that are not worth the time and effort and the only reason they're not getting out of it is because they're afraid to be alone.

then there's the type of people who are in relationships because everyone else is in one. it's back to school time where everyone just had to have an eastpak bag cause all the cool people were using it. i know being a 500W lamp post isn't funny. i've definitely been there and it is (more often than not) uncomfortable. but i don't expect it to be any less than uncomfortable.

so they fake it. and i'm not talking about faking an orgasm or pretending to like your other half's cooking. i'm talking about faking full blown relationships. you pretend that you're happy....lie through your teeth when you say 'i love you'....sometimes even change your appearance and style to suit your pseudo relationship. why bother? all that hard work and effort? i thought relationships were supposed to be effortless and things should just come naturally. is it worth all the trouble?

there's this thing i'd like to call the 'sex and the city' syndrome. it's a disease by which women assume that they have an expiry date which so happens to be somewhere between their late twenties and early thirties. they also take the advice and opinions of the show seriously. they try to relate their heartbreak with the show...using it as therapy. i'm not saying that it doesn't help...maybe it does. but sometimes i wonder whether some of them can differentiate between fiction and reality. a friend once said that once a person watches a show religiously....it's almost as if the characters in the show are real and that they're your friends.

we're in our twenties...has it come to a point that we should be afraid of how people perceive us to be? yes...i have to admit that being single can get a bit lonesome and monotonous sometimes but in the event that it does...i choose to go out and have fun with the people i can truly count on...my friends.

movie watch:

Saw II was a good watch. slightly different from the first one but equally as sadistic and gory as the first. but heck...movies like these will never be screened in our country cause it's too much for our 'fragile morals'...that's if we had any in the first place.

finally caught Narnia yesterday. it's a big slow at the beginning....but i still liked it cause i'll always be a fan of the lion the witch and the wardrobe. see whether you can spot an accidental reference to last samurai.

latter days was an interesting watch too. it's about a gay guy trying to convert a straight mormon guy on a bet. never knew mormon's are not allowed to use their first names. doesn't it get confusing sometimes. like if my family were mormons....all the guys in the family would be called 'elder ling'. how'd you know which one you're referring to?


have a wedding dinner to attend this weekend. unfortunately, it's a family wedding. which means i'll have to behave and dress nice. the brothers and i haven't exactly had a good reputation with the rest of the relatives. we're the black sheep of the 'ling' family. actually...i think it's more of me that's the bad influence. it rubbed off on the rest of the family i suppose. so i guess my brothers and i will find a nice little corner away from the nauseating polite-ness and fake smiles and we'll do what we do best. play word games.

vote me off the island

lately i've been doing a lot of catching up with friends...
not that i'm away a whole lot but i like being informed about what goes on in their lives...
some might say i'm nosy...some might say i care....i guess i'd say it's a bit of both...

it comes as no surprise that i'm a really big movie freak...
i even have a list of movies that i carry with me just in case i end up at a dvd store...
so last night as i was browsing through the independent film section at imdb.com...i stumbled upon at least 20 movies that i have now added to my 'must watch' list...
chances are i won't be able to watch most of them...i'll be lucky if i manage to find 5...
most of them are on limited release so the cinemas won't be screening them...either that or they're just too obscure to be released on dvd...
oscar nominations will be out end of next month...
i used to have a quest to watch all the movies that are nominated for the oscars...
then i realized its a bit too big a challenge...
i'm not interested in short film or short animated film...costumes don't really excite me and neither does sound...
so i'll just watch the nominees for best film..director..lead and supporting actor and actress...original and adapted screenplay...animated film...
and i'll probably get a copy of all the soundtracks that are nominated...

anyway....random thought...

i'm a judgemental bitch who isn't afraid to admit it :P
i realized that i can be very judgemental...very critical and analytical...and guilty of typecasting...
i don't consider myself intelligent...successful...rich...independent...or whatever it is people like to say about me...
i do think that i am different than most...not better though...
i think my eccentricities contributes to my flaws...
which then contributes to my inability to get along with most people...
my inability to tolerate stupidity and childishness gets in the way of making new friends...
you can call me an elitist...but i'll deny it...chances are you're right though...
i'd like to believe i'm selective...but that basically leads back to elitist...
i also have a problem dealing with superficial and pretentious people...
i stereotype people...i judge them quickly...and i compare them with the friends i have now...
if they don't fit the bill immediately i brush them off without giving them a second chance...
sometimes i wonder...with an attitude like mine...how do my friends tolerate me...how do i manage to keep so many of them near....
how is it that i haven't been booted off the island.... :)
i guess i'm selective...i choose who i want to be nice to....
i know who i trust...who i care about...i know who will still be around when i'm 40...and most of all...i know the ones who will accept me for who i am...even after knowing all the things i just mentioned above...
and i know they won't hold it against me...
i have great friends...and i love them dearly...

anyway...i know i've already given points to malaysia cause my friends are here....
but i'm gonna throw in another 20 points cause they mean so much to me and i can't imagine my life without them...
plus another 10 points cause i don't have an internet connection in singapore which by the way didn't bother me before...
but since i started hsx.com....all i can think of is 'where can i find a place to trade my shares'...

singapore on the other hand...gets another 10 points cause when i'm here...i miss my little 2 bedroom apartment and the 2 things that mean the most to me...my refridgerator and my tv :)
and another 10 points for 24 hour mcdonalds delivery with no minimum order...

i'm torn between 2 worlds...and soon i have to decided which one i want to be in for good...
i hate choices.....sometimes....

aeon flux was terrible...don't need to say why...
doesn't beat sound of thunder for worst movie of the year though...
i was actually a fan of edward burns which is why i paid good money to watch the movie...
sometimes...when a movie is so bad...you just gotta watch it to believe it...
and you just have to endure it to the end so you don't miss out on the worst parts...
so go watch 'sound of thunder'...
movies to look forward to :-

- brokeback mountain
- memoirs of a geisha (only because i liked the book)
- narnia
- king kong
- family stone
- elizabethtown
- saw II
- rent
- munich
- the producers

movies i have no interest in watching :-

- anything that's in a chinese dialect
- anything that's in B.M
- zathura
- chicken little
- cheaper by the dozen 2
- anything that has mandy moore, hilary duff, lindsay lohan or any of those supposed teen/blonde actresses who also call themselves singers


current score: malaysia 100 singapore 60