*insert title here*

what do you do when you can't get what you want?

there's a fine line between needing and wanting. we always want a lot of things...whether we need it is a different story altogether. its a craving that needs to be satisfied...its a dress that needs to be bought...those divine pair of shoes that just doesn't come in your size...durians when they are out of season...ice cream in the middle of the night. such trivial things can make a person restless.

imagine when it comes to matters of the heart. when it involves a loved one its a restlessness that can be multiplied ten fold and then doubled once again. you are plagued with the memory at every waking moment. its a want that is so strong it overcomes you with grief and sadness. the pain of loss...the promise of hope...the relativity of time that seems to pass so slowly in times of grief...the uncertainty of the future...the questionable past...everything overwhelms you. the urge to pick up that phone...the desire to see them one more time...the desperation creeps in.

then there's the silent wanting. a want that is strong but unspoken. its something that you want that you've never had...something new...something unattainable even. a passion built from nothing that will remain as nothing. its the fear of rejection that holds you back...the fear of indifference...the fear of bearing everything and being left with nothing. so you sit across the table...silently admiring...desiring...wanting. not flinching when a joke is told...not blushing when a compliment is spoken. you are cool, calm and collected. nobody knows...nobody will ever know.

sometimes two people just don't see eye to eye. different needs...different wants...different dreams. there is no one to blame...no fingers to point. there is no meter to gauge fault or suffering. its all relative. you know the logic...you know the reason. you know what's right but you're wondering why it feels so wrong. its hard to take that step forward so take your time.

i cannot imagine how difficult it must be for some partly because i have neither the experience nor the strength for such things. with my limited insight i do know one thing...it is a hurt so bad that you feel numb with pain but it will get better. i will walk with you...wherever you want to go. i can guide you but you have to choose your own path. follow your head and it will heal you. follow your heart and it will break you. the decision is yours.

fairytales and cartoons

prolong exposure to fairytales and cartoons pollute the mind. it severely damages one's ability to think logically and rationally.

was talking to some friends today about the effects of watching cartoons and reading fairytales. it all seems like an innocent activity but if you dissect it and question it you will find that it does effect our thinking in one way or another.

take for example cats and dogs. in cartoons...we are always led to believe that dogs will chase cats and cats will chase rats. whether they decide to consume one another is a different story. in real life...it might not be so. i've seen dogs and cats being buddies and i see a lot of rats happily wondering the streets together with cats. these creatures can co-exist without wanting to bite each other's heads off. and the thing is...they seem to co-exist more often than not. so why do cartoons depict these animals (plus that one rodent) as being incapable of existing side by side?

similarly...cartoons also teach us that cats like to eat fish. basically that's all they eat in cartoons. so we grow up thinking cats only eat fish and drink milk. once again...soooo not true.

and how about those fairytales? princess gets left stranded in an empty tower with no way to escape. i'm still wondering how rapunzel actually got up there if there's no staircase. anyway...prince charming will come save her and they live happily ever after. do they really? nobody tells us what happens after marriage. princes and princesses don't really live happily ever after. look at King Henry VIII. he had 6 wives...and many mistresses. look at prince charles...he's a prince and look what happened to his face. they're not all pretty and handsome.

as we grow up we realize that its all one big joke. but unbeknownst to many...it does affect our lives. many grow up believing that there is a prince charming and that there is a happily ever after. we are programmed to believe so at the age of 5. we don't get cartoons or bedtime stories talking about real life. war...poverty...racism...disasters. so next time my little earth ling will be watching discovery channel...national geographic and animal planet.

mcd's...movies marathons and mood swings

had a strange dream last night. i dreamt that i was at mindy's place for chinese new year and her mom served MCDONALDS! i guess the only people that would find that amusing is mindy and myself...together with ben and probably sui san :) and the most hilarious part is that when we went upstairs...it morphed into andrew's balcony.

i feel like doing a horror movie marathon. anyone wanna join me? the messengers...the reaping and the number 23. the last one doesn't really fit into the horror genre but since its a thriller/mystery i figured it would have to suffice. 2 movies just doesn't feel like a marathon. all movies have had terrible reviews on more than one occasion but i'm in the mood for mindless. i'd do hannibal rising too but i've got the DVD and somehow i feel its going to be in pieces after the censorship board is done with it.

by the way...I LOVE YOU ILLEGAL/FALL OUT BEN!

on a different note...i've been feeling pretty annoyed at myself lately. can't pinpoint the reason behind it and i'm hoping its just a phase. need to get back to normal mode if i want to function properly.

i am not alone

it doesn't look like a good start to my little brother's schooling year. its his first year in primary school and already he's been bullied BY A GIRL who by the way managed to apprehend all 6 of his pencils...and now he's been abused by a teacher. apparently he was being mischevious and his teacher deemed it appropriate to throw a duster smack into his face. the end result...a black eye.

what teacher in the right mind would throw a duster at a child? no matter how much he was misbehaving it doesn't justify duster in eye. anyway...i know there's nothing i can do about it but i just feel so pissed off nowadays with all this teachers abusing kids...not only physically but mentally.

on a completely different note....someone asked me today if i ever get lonely. being single for 5 years definitely raises cause for alarm. friends are being all so helpful with attempting to hook me up and egg me on (yes you know who you are). so i guess its only logical for someone to ask me that question. the answer...i don't know really. maybe its because i attempt to fill every waking moment with something to do. occupy myself so there's no time to feel lonely. not that i'm using excuses to fill up my time...i actually do enjoy the company of my friends and family. i don't feel alone at all cause i know that they're always there for me. so am i lonely? i don't think so....or maybe i'm just in denial :P

FUYOH with LALA

in my personal opinion...i think the DIGI PREPAID FU-YOH! is a complete disaster. i mean they have a good package with lotsa perks and stuff but the name itself and the ad campaigns are just hilarious. FU-YOH isn't even a word...at least not in my english language dictionary. and what is it supposed to represent? am i supposed to look at the rates and immediately go "FUIYOH!!!! so low ah" which is generally the Malaysian type response. so maybe it is the smartest thing that DIGI has ever conjured up. their target market would be the people who actually utilize the term FU-YOH (i can't stop saying it already) which is probably 70% of the Malaysian population. the only people who won't get it are the expatriates...the tourists...and the people who grew up under a rock.

but wait...FU-YOHLICIOUS?????? ok...that's taking it a tad too far. now people would just think we're unoriginal. ripping off fergie...who in my opinion ripped off beyonce...who in my opinion ripped off the person who invented the word DELICIOUS...is not a good idea. not in any language.

this FU-YOHLICIOUS (there i go again) campaign is not helping us with the foreigners. FU-YOH isn't even a word...in any language. i actually made a search using the online KAMUS DEWAN and this is the response i get when i type in the word FU-YOH!

*Tiada Sebarang Keputusan Dapat Dicapai*

literally translated as "NOT A SINGLE ENTRY CAN BE FOUND" but loosely translated as "NO ENTRIES FOUND"

on a different note...i was listening to the radio this afternoon and FLY.FM was having this FU-YOH contest where callers would call in and attempt to say FUUUUU-YOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH in one long breath and the person who can do it the longest wins RM100 (FUIYOH....SO MUCH MONEY!!!!). anyway...this chick called in and her name was LALA.....enough said :P

KEJUTAN!

so almost a year has passed since my stint in Singapore. i miss it terribly. miss my 2 bedroom apartment...my mini TV and DVD player which was horribly abused...i miss my fridge which was only stocked with apples, ham, ice cream and coke...i miss my bed...i miss my bus rides to work...i miss my kids...i miss the music...i miss the independence...i miss a whole lot of things. but things back here are looking good. i've got a job...i've got my family...i've got my friends...and i guess that's enough to cover all those things that i miss in Singapore.

my brother's birthday is coming soon. last year we had a surprise birthday party for him and i posed a simple question....

WHAT IS SURPRISE IN BAHASA MELAYU???

til this day i don't really know. and i doubt KEJUTAN is the right word. although it was hilarious when my brother walked in the door a year ago and people were shouting KEJUTAN!!! instead of surprise. funny family and friends i have.

this year is his 30th birthday. hopefully we'll usher in his 30's with a BIG BANG!!

DO NOT ENTER THE YELLOW BOX

ok...so i hate people who insist on planting their cars in the yellow boxes. they just cultivate a bad habit...obstructing traffic flow. and people will think that its ok if other people are doing it...then it becomes a vicious cycle.

so today i was out with my family for dinner and on the way back...my idiot brother stuck himself in the yellow box. and this was not by accident. its not like traffic was moving really slow and he had no idea that he'd be stuck in the yellow box. traffic already stopped so the yellow box was in plain sight.

and we as such supportive family members....what do we do? WE DUCK and hide. we're so used to staring at people when they enter the yellow box...and i'm sure there are people who do the same. so of course shy lah....my brother the rebellious driver.

so my brother is sitting at the driver's seat...laughing away at us cause we're acting like idiots. my eldest brother and i are ducking down into that emergency position that cabin crews tell you to get into in case of emergency landing. all the while we're shouting HIDE HIDE HIDE HIDE. in hindsight...it was such an idiotic thing to do. but at that point in time....it was hilarious.

i love my brothers...they always make me laugh :)

so just so you guys know.

oh and i learnt something new at the quiz yesterday.

SMOKING WHILE DRIVING is ILLEGAL!

January 10th: Define Irony

at the quiz yesterday...we had a topic called 'favourite hobby' and it was about sex. so one of the questions asked us to state the penalty for having oral sex in singapore. prior to that i had no idea that having oral sex in singapore was illegal. so being the information whore i am...i googled it. under section 377 of the Singaporean Penal Code:

From legal precedent in both India and Singapore, "carnal intercourse against the order of nature" between individuals (of all sexes - the law being non-gender specific with its use of the word "whoever") has been interpreted to include anal sex and, often after much courtroom deliberation, oral sex as well; namely any form of sexual intercourse which does not have the potential for procreation.

However, recent Singaporean cases have established that heterosexual fellatio is exempted if indulged in as foreplay which eventually leads to coitus. The Singaporean margin note further explains that mere penetration of the penis into the anus or mouth even without orgasm would constitute the offence. The law applies regardless of the act being consensual between both parties and done in private.

so basically i can't have oral sex unless i'm planning to have babies? SERIOUSLY?

and the best part is....the maximum sentence on this is LIFE IN PRISON.

and just for your reading pleasure:

Prostitution is legal. Operating a brothel and soliciting in public are technically illegal, but officially tolerated in certain areas called designated red-light areas (DRAs). Working women have to carry a "yellow card" that proves that they are registered and have recently undergone their bi-weekly health check. Working conditions in the brothels are good: some even provide voluntary benefits to keep the prostitutes working there. Prostitutes don't work out of economic necessity (except the foreigners) since there's no poverty and nearly full employment in Singapore. Singapore's Court of Appeal ruled in 2/97 that consensual oral sex is a criminal offense unless it is part of foreplay leading to proper intercourse.

The age of consent: 16.

Finding prostitutes: There are 6 red-light districts with a total of about 400 brothels, each employing 10-20 registered prostitutes. I list the names with their price ranges: Geylang (S$50-S$120), Flanders Square (S$30), Keong Siak Street (S$15-S$30), Desker Road (S$10-S$12), Tanjong Pagar area (S$10-S$12). In addition, there are brothels outside of the DRAs (illegal), massage parlors offering full service (illegal), escort services (legal) and private call girls (legal).

October 31st: What Nationality Are You?

so following the Trinidad & Tobago problem...i made a list of countries that have iffy nationalities. here goes...

Burkina Faso - Burkinabe (singular and plural)

Lesotho - Mosotho (singular), Basotho (plural)

Luxembourg - Luxembourger(s)

Mali - Malian(s)

Montenegro - Montenegrin(s)

Monaco - Monegasque(s) or Monacan(s)

Qatar - Qatari(s)

San Marino - Sammarinese (singular and plural)

Seychelles - Seychellois (singular and plural)

i'm sure there are many more african countries that i don't know about...not to mention all those little islands like the guinea's and all.but hey...imagine this...

me: hi...my name is feefs and i'm from malaysia. that makes me a malaysian.

random guy: hi...my name is silver lightning and i'm from burkina faso. that makes me a burkinabe.

just sounds wrong...sort of like a cuss word in hokkien no?

confessions of an unattached compulsive gambler

once again i get a call from a friend from the states asking me "eh...why lah until now no boyfriend?". is this going to be a trend? patience people. u guys seem more worried about me than i do about myself.

anyway...its been a string of gambling nights for me. it is sooooo not healthy. i have been making a bit of money though. poker...chor tai ti...soccer. anyway...its soccer that i'm anticipating the most. 5 to 6 more matches before the end of the season. which means 33 days before i find out whether i win the big pot of moolahs. it was looking good for awhile...that was until yesterday where i lost my 6 point lead and went down to a 2 point lead. still in the lead but it doesn't look like i'll be there for long. ugh...the suspense is killing me.....

TMNT

went to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a couple of nights ago. it was an impromptu outing with andrew ben and david. so with no tickets in hand and only 20 minutes till showtime on opening night...we figured we're not that lucky. turns out we were lucky after all...so the day was looking good.

that was until the words....

Penyu Mutasi Ninja Remaja

showed up on screen. another smack forehead scene.

boleh cakap melayu?

i was looking for someone to frame a poster for me and i needed it fast. word on the street is that someone at pudu is able to do it at a reasonable price and within a day. so naturally...i called them.

me: hello...is this *bleep out name of establishment*

stranger: ah ya!

me: i'd like to enquire about your aluminium frames and clear glass windows

stranger: err.....*long pause*....you boleh cakap melayu ke?

me: ok. boleh saya cakap dengan seorang yang boleh cakap bahasa inggeris?

stranger: tunggu ya.....

*people whispering amidst the sounds of shuffling items*

lady: hello?

me: yes. i'd like to get more information about your frames.

lady: errrr.....awak boleh cakap melayu tak?

*ME SMACKS FOREHEAD*

its probably my fault anyway for not being able to speak the language. but if you're planning to run a business....please lah have someone that can speak english.

and since we're on the topic of english....let's bring back some classic pictures.

tabula rasa

i've always believed that human beings are born with a clean slate....or tabula rasa as some would call it. so basically, who we are is the product of:

1. the experiences that we have gone through
2. the lessons that were instilled in us
3. the knowledge we gain
4. the perceptions/beliefs that we derive from all of the above.

many would argue that our fate has been pre-determined at birth based on geneology...astrology...and whatever else in between. granted...there are certain genes that we cannot run from. i can't roll my tongue...i have brown eyes...i have black hair...i am short...and i only have my parents/ancestors to thank for that. but why don't i speak chinese or eat vegetables? i'd say its because i was never brought up to.

i believe that Freud said it best when he came up with the theory that one's personality is largely determined by their upbringing. if i was trained to be submissive and obedient since young and that i should never talk to strangers...i would probably grow up being exactly just that...someone who is shy and reserved. if i was born into a muslim family then i would generally grow up as a muslim and adhere to its faith. if i was born into an english speaking family...i would naturally be fluent in english.

as children, we absorb more information than we do as adults. we unknowingly absorb and process values without questioning and as we grow up, we are generally supposed to sift through it and discard those that we feel is wrong. so then comes the ethics. the ability to separate what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad. based on new experiences and new knowledge we should be able to make calculated and informed decisions. we should also be able to fully accept the consequences of our actions.

in the end...the swing of the pendulum is determined by the individual. do we want to be the person that we were brought up to be or do we want to change? do i want to eat vegetables and speak cantonese? do i want to be a christian? do i want to be the musician my mother always wanted me to be? i know the pros and cons...i know the consequences of my actions...i make my own decisions. the first 13 years of my life were governed by my parents and they were basically my guide book. now that i'm old enough to think for myself and independent enough to support myself...the rest of my life is governed by no one else but me.

....and that's just my two cents

i was hijacked

today was a pretty eventful day. spent the afternoon with the girls and spent the night with ben. he shall now be known as ILLEGAL BEN. his super power is the ability to make the most illegal parkings. he is also known as FALL OUT BEN because he has the tendency to fall out of friendships and grow distant. anyway...due to certain circumstances that were beyond my control....a visit to mcdonalds turned into a road trip to klang. and for what? for ben to show me the sights...the sounds...and the smells of klang. since i didn't drive...i had no choice.

so driving around in klang was educational. not like i haven't been there before...i just haven't been there with BEN before. ooh...it is a must try experience.

me: Oooh....Plantation! looks like we're not in kansas anymore toto.
ben: let me show you a secret u turn
me: looks like the red car in front also knows about the secret u turn
ben: its not a secret to klang people...its only secret to pj people.
me: wow...this is quite secret.
ben: eh...now i can show you where the klang pasar malam is
me: huh?
ben: oh...i can show you my panel clinic too
*ME SMACKS FOREHEAD*

anyway...thanks ben for the very educational road trip. i had a blast. and yes...i was paying attention. if u were to have left me at that petrol station...with a car i might add...i would be able to find my way home. and no...i'm not coming to visit you for lunch now that i know where you work.

happy birthday to you..happy birthday to you...happy birthday to sui san...happy birthday to you. *sing in the tune of the happy birthday song*

mindy...congrats on your graduation. all i have to say is...welcome to the working world. its a bitch isn't it.